Some days I just want to really have a proper breakdown. But I just can't. No matter how hard I try and that just leaves me feeling exasperated. 

Tried to learn how people talk to one another and im failing so terribly. Im an advancement that actually led to a regression. 

Suddenly, you don't look at people as a friend/boy/girl anymore because in the end, whatever title you give isn't important. You look at their souls, and you determine their place to you with unexplainable dynamic rankings. 

But really, 

This whole existence. To discover and experience things so hideous all for a chance to love and be loved. 

I need to get over my inability to love and accept love. 

No. I don't make sense and I don't flow. In need of sails now to catch the winds. 

First you feel everything and you wonder why. Then you'll come up with all the reasons and justification and realise that this is too complicated. The essence of it all is still where it all began. 

Just that this time, you know more about what makes you unhappy too. 

So you avoid it all you can and end up avoiding everything. 

It's like I'm going into hiding because there's simply too many things I know I have to guard against.

If I start making sacrifices for you, it's because I love you enough. 

If I start putting down my guard when I'm with you, it's because I trust that you love me enough, not because I know that you love me. 

They told me they don't want to change their piano teacher (cuz apparently the rest are too ugly). And one wants me to teach her till she's fifty while the other, till her death. When their mother came over they were telling her we were having a good chat. And the younger one asked me to stay longer to talk more. 

Talked about icecream, the Japanese, cartoons, etc. it's the most innocent and simple conversation ever. 

Cutest pair of sisters ever. They have neverseen other piano teachers before for one, and I might already be gone by the time they reach 50. 

I can just die of sweetness right now hahaha. I need my own kids

My last post was about a year ago. One year, that's all it took to throw my life into a frenzy.

Quitted tchouk, joined softball.
Found an internship finally
Majoring in marketing
Endless projects and heartbreaks

Just one year ago I was wondering if I would ever find a constant.
I'm still searching.

I gave up someone who was willing to be my constant for someone who was indifferent to me.
I'm probably dumb but for the first time, I really want to do something I want instead of something I should.

Not just a year, but one semester would suffice to call it madness. This semester is probably one I've lived.

How can I go with a guy who doesn't seem like he's interested in making me happy.
How can I go with a guy who can't even wish me goodnight,
How can I go with a guy who's unappreciative of my efforts.
How can I go with a guy who doesn't want to come with me?

宝贝，我只能用我们所剩下的时间来好好爱你，也好好爱自己。
我放弃了
当初我所做的决定出自于我看不到的未来
但是那个决定让三个人受伤
虽然他让我很开心，可是他不能让我难过
而你，又能让我高兴也能让我难过
可是你每一次的选择都是自私的
对你没益的，你不肯做
毫不在乎我的感受
不是我不喜欢你- 是我痛了
到最后，我还是看不到未来

终于明白为什么两个人就算喜欢对方也不能在一起其中的理由

everytime you refuse, I die a little inside.
I don't know how long I can last babe.

though sadly, you dont really care anyway.
My freshman year is going to end soon.

Things are going to change again. Im going to move out of hall soon, I will need to find new friends in school after specialisation and Im probably gonna quit tchouk.

It's funny how I always long to search for a constant but circumstances just demand for change.

I cant help but grapple with an idea that maybe there's no "the One".
How do we know exactly? We dont. We just find someone who seems like one we don't mind loving.
It would probably be coincidental that we are theirs too.

A few years ago Ive decided to be more independent, and to be stronger, in view of my poor heart who cant take anymore blows LOL. These few years, this shelter Ive built is strong and stable. But it gets lonely at times. The thing is, I dont mind trading the possible heartaches relationships bring about for this lonely but safe shelter.

It bothered me a little when E told me that Im gonna die lonely. Im quite sure that I <i>will</i> find my constant. And he'll be with me.

Recently, there's this quote which stirred something in me a little:

Human emotion, it can contain illogical conflict.
It only struck me recently how much of myself I've lost. So much I don't even know what to do. 
It's a cycle and that's why people who are ignorant are happier. 
I'm so lucky to teach my 2 girls. So today we were treated to ice cream and they had me sit down for a chat. 
I have a very bad habit to fit people and moments into songs. That's why I have a heartbreaking playlist not only because how sad the lyrics or melodies are.

We asked our double bass teacher once "why do people listen to classical music?". And his reply was simple."Once you get to an age, these pop lyrics are only so shallow. It can't describe accurately how you're feeling anymore"

It's true. But I found a way to beat that I think.

I etch my memories and feelings that I secretly allow into these specific songs. Stayed away from them for a long period of time. Now that we're all in university, everybody seems to like rewinding and playing back all these songs.

And this automatically does a playback. All the pain, regrets, joy coming back one by one.

Especially you dear. I've been missing you these few weeks ever since that song was played somewhere. I really didnt know what I've lost. It only struck me recently why you might have asked me to listen to this song. And this just brought about a mini heartbreak again.

And after you, I lost someone else again. Both of you, I was too late to realise. And both of you didnt give me a chance to do something about it.

At least both of you are happy although I cant help feeling sad that Im not part of it. But I'll take it as a lesson learnt. I hope I wont lose another person like how I lost the both of you. Not again.
From above, it just looks like a man-hole. Nothing much. But who knew, it is bottomless. Took a plunge and ended up addicted to it.

Took a whole lot of patience and convincing to crawl up slowly. Climb a little each day, slip back down a little each day. Finally made it out I think. I choose to believe so.

It isn't closed yet. I can't bear to cover it up. Take a deep breath and I'm ready to jump in anytime.

But for now let me dangle my legs over it and wonder this time round, how far will I go?